I have done a lot of marital coaching and gay/lesbian partner coaching and I have come to a conclusion. One person can not meet all of your needs and to expect someone to do that is ridiculous. If you marry someone just like yourself, eventually you'll feel like you are in a relationship with your sibling (ew). If you marry someone completely different from you (opposites attract?), you may feel like you don't have much in common even though it didn't seem to matter when you first started dating.
You know who is responsible for your happiness? That's right YOU ARE. No one can make you happy-that comes from within. If you are looking for someone else to "complete you", you need to work on yourself. We need to be complete and whole before we get into relationships with others.
If you are expecting the Blue Mountain cards and flowers and special words past the first few months, you will be quickly disappointed. Romantic gestures are purposeful-they are a means to a bed....I mean end... um...
There are biological changes that occur when we get into a new relationship-we get a rush... a high from it. That high dissipates over time (usually 2 years which is coincidentally the amount of time the author suggests for the marriage license renewal) and then you Sapes out there start looking for another fix- Be aware that this happens. You could ruin a potentially good relationship looking for this temporary biological state that will just dissipate with the next one. What are you-some kind of new relationship junkie? CUT IT OUT!
Once that intense wave of chemistry subsides, you should now have a relationship that is on a different plane. It is a more mature and secure relationship. Isn't it your goal in a long term relationship to feel safe and secure and happy with your significant other? ORRRRR are you one of those chemistry junkies who just keeps looking for the new relationship high? It's temporary FFS-it'll keep happening over and over again. Get a grip, Sapes!
Current divorce statistics: "Recent US scholarship based on such longterm tracking, reported for example in the New York Times on April 19, 2005, has found that about 60% of all marriages that result in divorce do so in the first decade, and more than 80% do so within the first 20 years; that the percentage of all marriages that eventually end in divorce peaked in the United States at about 41% around 1980, and has been slowly declining ever since, standing by 2002 at around 31% [likely because of cohabitation]" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce). What would happen if people put their energy into their relationship rather than scattering it about in places it shouldn't go. What if you were to treat marriage/LTR like a living entity-if you won't nurture the relationship, it will die.
I'm on my second marriage so I am included in that statistic-second time around is very different from my first marriage. I actually forget I was married before it was so memorable (not). Speaking of that... Here's my hubby Rick... cute isn't he?
...and that's Jasper, he's adorable too
Rode the wave to the next plane,
Professor Val
(Visit my online/phone life coaching site: Soma Space Coaching)
11 comments:
My only issue with this is that some people may treat it the same way they do with divorce, except maybe with a little more responsibility. Although marriage may just be seen as a legal practice now, it appears to have lost it's symbolic value of a dedicated loving relationship between two people. With divorce it seems people can just rush in to a relationship and get married and then when the honeymoon period is over they realize there is no spark anymore and the get a divorce and move on. Of course this is only for certain people, I completely understand that things happen and people grow apart. Maybe I'm so immersed in the celebrity world that I have low expectations for "real" people?
I do believe the renewable marriage license can be a good idea though, especially for the first several years of marriage when divorce is most likely to occur. This two-year license may take the pressure off of couples to make things work when there's just no hope.
And yes, that is a cute picture :)
Hi Val, great article. I haved mixed feelings about it. Not such a bad idea to get lawyers out of the mix. My opinion is that marriage is meant to be a commitment and that's what makes it special two people working toward the same goal and staying in it. If the two year license were to become the new law, people wouldn't take marriage so seriously and we would be getting in and out of marriages two soon not realizing we are in fact with the right person. Of course, if you are in an abusive relationship, things aren't working out no matter you do, then having the two year license might be the way to go. I've known many people who thought they wanted a divorce only to find out that once they really started going through the process (not only was it hell) but realized they wanted to stay in the marriage.
Most people are new relationship junkies wanting that feeling of new love, romance, passion, lasting forever. I believe you can still have that in a long term marriage if you both work at it. And that's the key, do both parties want to work at it? As you mentioned, people get complacent and that leads to boredom, etc.
Once you get older, you do look for the security and comfort and commitment and the passion, etc. becomes secondary.
Yes, cute picture.
You both make great points. My concern is this-if we look at evolution, I do not feel that humans are meant to be physically monogamous. If you look at the world of Polyamory (in which we have done a bit of research), it does not appear that these multi-love relationships are very successful either. They may work physically but once the emotions come into play, all bets are off. Many polyamorous folks deny or repress the negative emotions that come from these unusual but not uncommon relationships.
So if monogamy isn't physically natural and swinging or polyamory isn't emotionally healthy, what's a Sape to do?
I think this is one of those questions for which there is not a clear answer. If anyone out there has one, I'd love to hear it!
My practical side sees why renewable marriage liscenses are a good idea in todays society; however, my romantic side will not let me agree with them. There is something beautiful and eternal about committing yourself to someone 'til death do us part.' Frankly, vows with 'til 2 years are up and we may or may not decide to renew our liscense do us part' .... it does not have quite the same ring to it and it seems rather pessimistic. The optimistic romantic in me will not allow to give up on the hope that there is someone out there for me to committ myself to 'til death do us part.'
Marciana Ramos
I agree with Marciana. I think having to consider every two years whether to continue on in a marriage is automatically looking at your relationship in a negative light - which probably will make the likelyhood of separation even higher.
It's really sad to see so many people committing to something which should be taken as a serious responsibility and tossing it in the trash at the first sign of "boredom". There are other valid reasons for divorce of course though - I think society is looking at this problem from the wrong angle...maybe there is a root cause as to why people are jumping into marriages like this and we should look into building couples communications skills instead.
First and foremost, when you put a time period on a marriage you are taking away the value of the bond and merely making it a title. I would never get married if that was the case. I don't think most people would stay married either. In the Tyler Perry movie, Why did I get Married the guys begin to discuss the 80 - 20 rule. Basically, the wives of these men are the 80 but the women you cheat on them with are the 20. Or as you would say the quick-fix. Men are intrigued by the 20 but in the process are forgetting that they could lose the 80. Do you really risk it? I would have to say most people do regardless of gender. I think that this marriage license law will only make things worse. Marriage changes from a special bond to a contract. No security and no real commitments. And what about kids? What type of environment does that provide for them? Inevitably, this idea will only continue to diminish the value of marriage.
i've been in a relationship for 2 and a half years, and you're right. at the 2 year mark everything just turned blah, and then we fought over the slightest things ALL THE TIME, and couldn't stand each other. it sucked. but we got through it- we decided one low point wasn't enough to ruin everything we had so far. i feel that if ending a marriage at this point was a super easy solution, many would take it, not realizing that if they stick it out, it'll get better than ever before.after two years, you realize you dont need all the cuteness, and you know you can overcome a challenge.
isn't marriage supposed to be a life time commitment? i understand it doesn't always work out, but thats why we have divorce. if you go into your marriage already thinking of a back out plan... maybe you shouldn't be getting married. you can live together, be engaged indefinently. but why bother getting married? it almost belittles the whole idea
First I must say, to me marriage is just an expensive piece of paper. Besides religious reasons, marriage is just a cemermony with unwanted guest, expenses and a great honeymoon:). The hardest thing is that you never really know a person until it's to late. Sure the first couple months of dating you get flowers, annoying phone calls, sex everyday alllll day but after awhile you'll be living like Al and Peggy from "Marriage with Children". I came across an article that suggested that couples live together first before getting married. According to them, couples who get married first before living together have a greater chance of divorce. No shit! The first night the husband learns that his wife has a farting problem in her sleep and the wife learns that her husband is'nt really potting train. I can hear Dr. Phil now!
Ah yes, it is true that couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate but it's not the flatulence that is behind that statistic... it's actually a really deceiving statistic.
The reason that the divorce rate is higher is because often couple who live together have (1) commitment issues; (2) one person makes an ultimatum "marriage or we are done" and that forced marriage leads to a lot of resentments etc.
The reason the general divorce rate has dropped is because of people who cohabitate for years and then separate. There are no records of those long term, committed relationships ending in the statistics.
I think that a renewable marriage license is an absolutely rediculous idea. What ever happened to the sanctity of marriage? Marriage is not something that should be reassessed every two years. Even a drivers license doesn't have to be renewed so often. It doesn't give people a chance to work out their problems; it just gives them a easy way to escape their problems. Marriage isn't something that should be taken lightly and a renewable marriage license does just that. A renewable marriage license might be acceptable in a world of serial dating, however until that day comes, we shouldn't encourage quickie marriages.
Post a Comment